[06/03/25] dissatisfaction

everyday that goes by, i feel more and more unhappy. i got a new job, but the hours are long. i'm passing my classes, but i don't want to go. i don't know what i'm doing with my life anymore. at one point, i thought translation was what i wanted to do, or maybe i just thought it was the only thing i could do. i liked working at my old job, but everyone says i can't be a cashier forever. there's supposed to be something bigger than that, something i feel called to do. right now, if i want to graduate, i need at least another semester. if i change my major to animal sciences, i'll need at least another year. maybe i could go to vet school, but the amount of studying feels completely impossible. another 4 years of this? i can't do it. if i became a vet, the hours would kill me, but maybe it would be fulfilling. i don't know. nothing is interesting, least of all recovery. i'm getting a pet, but i'll have to clean regularly, with at least spot cleaning every day. i think it's too much. what happens to it on vacation, can i trust a pet-sitter with a bird? what if i get stuck in inpatient, i know that's what relapsing will lead to. i can't bring myself to care. maybe i don't deserve a pet, i can't even take care of myself. i don't want to take care of myself. i want to live in a bubble where i can do whatever i want to myself and it won't hurt anyone or anything. i never want to recover, i don't want a life. i want it all to stop.

[10/02/25] tw eating disorder

i don't feel sick enough. the classic statement of every person with a disorder, eating or not. a few months ago, maybe. i was well on my way to be classified as severely anorexic. and even so, i began eating on my own. yes, i was surrounded by a large amount of people 24/7 for the month after that, and i know that technically counts as support, but they weren't there for me, it was my choice to let go of my eating disordered behaviours that month, and it resulted in entering treatment at a healthy weight. the second i started treatment, i took that as an excuse to eat whatever i wanted, and i haven't engaged in any behaviours since then. i'm just "playing ball", but at the same time, i am stable. my heart rate and blood pressure are stabilizing, my metabolism has increased. here i am, eating normally. acting normally. i'm not even fighting it. i should be crying and fighting, i should be struggling every day to eat. but i'm not, i'm not struggling at all. eating is easy. scarfing down my meals at treatment is easy. picking up a chocolate bar and munching on it is easy. it all comes so easily to me. it comes so easily, it's almost like i dont have a disorder at all. today, i was told that my anorexia is in remission. why is recovery so easy for me? how can it just be this easy? my doctor says i'm in remission, that i'm stable. my mom doesn't monitor me anymore. no one cares anymore. i want my disorder back, i want to crawl back in the hole that is restriction. i want to be sick again.

[08/02/25] tw negative self image & body talk

i've never been much of a fan of malls. i don't like to walk around in a crowded space, nor do i like to stand still in one either. when i'm in a shop, the music always blasting gives me a headache, and the combination of choice paralysis and boredom makes me need to lie down, or else i'll pass out. the worst thing by far, however, is the fitting room. i hate looking at myself, i hate my body and the way it fits the clothes i try, and i hate looking in my own eyes. i don't recognize the person in the mirror much less do i like the body i inhabit. not to mention, the mirrors are always janky, it's like looking into a funhouse mirror... maybe i would like "myself" better if i got on hormones. that's what i'm hoping for, that once i get on hormones everything will be okay. i'll like my body, and my face, and i'll recognize myself when i look in a mirror. i'm scared that it won't. it's not a cure-all, of course i know that. what if i recognize myself even less? what if i hate the way i look with facial hair, and my voice sounds like i've been possessed? i already don't like anything about myself, won't any changes amplify it? the only time i've ever felt comfortable was at my low weight. yes, i wanted to lose more weight, of course i did, but i felt much better in my skin. if hormones don't help, i'll have no choice but to go back to that, and i can't say i really care.